This is a big, long story that I'm telling more for my benefit than anyone else's. You may or may not already know some or all of this. Feel free to read it or skip it. It does, however, help explain my long absence.
The past year has been a struggle. It's been one of those Murphy's Law kind of years. You know, everything that can go wrong, did. Our financial cushion that came from my babysitting Anthony and a part-time job for Marcos went away. Anthony started going to school all day. It was time, but it was still difficult, emotionally and financially. We were now solely a one income family and realized quickly that when the one income is a social work salary, it's pretty tough to make ends meet. Things have been tight since we had kids, but not like this. Of course the year that all our cushion income went away, everything we own broke or needed replacing, not to mention the fact that the medical bills were way more than we had anticipated. No matter what we did, things got worse fast. It's been stressful! This past fall, Marcos took his test - the dreaded test that's been hanging over our heads for YEARS now - and didn't pass it....AGAIN! That test is our ticket to a much-needed raise. It's not even a very big raise, but it's a guaranteed raise. It's just been one of those years when way too much happens and it's hard to cope. Right after Marissa was born, I experienced some post-partum depression. It's something I didn't experience with the boys and it caught me off guard. It frustrated me! I pride myself on being independent, on being tough. And I had a meltdown. But I got past it and felt pretty good by September. But October was a struggle and November seemed to come and go. It all got much worse this past December. I talked a little bit about our Christmas chaos. It was just crazy! So much stress over finances, Marcos' car slid off the road and it was going to be even more money, I was trying to make most of our Christmas presents, which took a ton of time and gave me a stiff neck (too much sitting with really poor posture). Christmas brought lots of ups and downs. Many things brought us to our knees and many miracles took place. But we were not completely out of the woods. For one thing, we realized one of us was going to have to work another job. One income is just not enough for our family to live on...no matter how frugal I try to be. Marcos worked it out with his boss that he could work on Saturdays. He doesn't get overtime, but at least he gets paid hourly for the extra work. He's also trying to work more at his part time job at the hospital. He'll be gone a lot, but that's okay. You do what you have to do and you make sacrifices for your family. I can do anything, right? I'm super woman. Um, yeah right. I got really sick over Christmas and right after that my grandma was in the hospital and then passed away a few weeks later. It was a lot to deal with after an already very emotional year (and particularly holiday season)! I was really close to my grandma and spent quite a bit of time with her. So it hit me hard. And yet it didn't. So much had happened that I think I was in shock. And the stupid post-partum depression (or whatever kind of depression it was) came back...so I felt numb to some extent. It's like one too many trials hit and my body and mind just shut down. I was operating, but not really living. How much of it was based on our circumstances? How much of it was chemical? How much was hormones? My hormones were a mess...but then stress tends to do that to a person! So who knows what caused it all, but it was bad. Worse that I've ever been. And then out of nowhere (right after my grandma's funeral) I messed up my back. I couldn't even bend over to put Marissa in her crib (and it's still on the highest setting). My level of pain was super high just attempting to do normal activities. It was bad! Well, come to find out I didn't mess up my back. I ended up finding a really good chiropractor who told me it was actually my pelvic bones (joints) that were out of place, most likely from child birth. What the...? But Marissa was 6 months old. I'd had some pain here and there and just ignored it. I try to be a tough chick most of the time, which is usually a good thing. May have ended up hurting me in the end on this one though. So yeah. He basically told me (in a very nice way) that I was the biggest mess he's ever seen and that I was a complete mystery for awhile because every day I would come back and it was as if he hadn't even adjusted me. I became his biggest learning experience. I was one big mess he had to put back together. All I can say is thank goodness I decided to purchase a care plan because I ended up needing to go in almost every day for close to three weeks and every other day for two weeks after that. Finally...finally my joints started to hold right before my care plan expired. I consider that a huge blessing and nothing short of a miracle! I hold the record for best value for my care plan and for most difficult patient. Hey, what can I say? I like being one of a kind! :) Anyway, I was basically put on bed rest for the first couple of weeks. I spend most of my time lying down on the couch or the floor and could only get up and walk for about 5 minutes at a time. Big fat pain! Thank goodness I have such amazing friends and family! I had meals brought in, gift cards sent, massages offered, people coming over to help with the kids and clean my house, and as my body got progressively better, I even had visits meant more for my mental health than my physical health. I cannot even begin to explain how humbling this set of trials has been for me and my family. It's amazing to realize how many people care about you, and incredible to see the good in people as they serve you. It's unreal!
I'm getting better...slowly but surely. I'm to the point I can sit for close to an hour without pain and can do most of my housework without even noticing. I went to church yesterday for the first time in 7 weeks. I sat through sacrament, went home to rest during sunday school and came back to teach the Beehives. I was sore after that, but I made it. I have to stretch a lot because my muscles still get way too tight, which causes leg and back pain. They were used to holding me in place wrong for a long time. Kind of hard to explain. I'm also hopefully on my way to normalcy with respect to hormones, chemicals or whatever else may be causing my bout of depression. It's a process, not a moment with a quick fix, but I'm willing myself through it for now. I get up (way too late and usually dragging, but I get up) and make myself start my day and before long, I'm in the middle of my day often catching glimpses of the real me...the Maria I used to know...the person I used to be. Depression is a really odd phenomenon. Hard to explain or relate if you've never experienced it. Maybe everybody has to one degree or another, but I can honestly say I couldn't completely relate or empathize with true depression until now. Why am I talking about something so personal? I don't know. I'm an open book I guess. It's therapeutic for me to be open and honest and to share real things about my life, not just the stuff that looks good on paper. If nothing else, I feel for others more now than I have in a long time. I have a desire to serve others and to live more in tune with the Spirit so I can be guided to those who need my help. I can't imagine where I would be today without the love, support and help of those who were instruments in the Lord's hands during my time of true need.
