Dexter (our dog) has been going downhill since spring, but has been worse the last week or so. While I was making breakfast, Dylan came in to tell me the dog threw up. I told him to take him out front in case he got sick again and to clean it up while I finished feeding the kids. I went out to see how he was doing. He did not look good. I told Dylan to get a blanket and bring him inside so he was comfortable. I knew it wasn't good. So did Dylan. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "Mom, I think this is Dexter's last day on earth." I can't explain it, but I felt the same. {Sigh}. Stupid dentist appointments! I've already rescheduled once. Do you know how hard it is to try to get 5 appointments back to back? {Deep breath}. Maybe I can still make this work. I hurried to do Marissa's hair and assigned Preston to help Caleb get dressed. Dylan sat with Dexter. While I was doing Marissa's hair, Dylan yelled, "Mom! Help! Something is wrong with Dexter." Dexter had tried to get up to walk upstairs and could not walk straight. It was so sad! He was worse than I thought. I helped him get settled back down on the blanket and rushed back upstairs. I needed help! I could not possibly deal with a dying dog and get everyone to their appointment on time.
I texted a couple neighbors trying to find someone who might be home and available to help me. I knew I couldn't leave Dexter alone. I just knew it. My sweet neighbor, Joann, came and drove my older three kids to the dentist so I could stay with Dexter until Marcos could get home to help me. Marcos walked in the door and I felt like I could breathe again. I didn't want to be alone. My heart settled for a moment. Marcos took one look at Dexter and said, "This isn't good." Marcos works in hospice. He knows the signs of death well. He may not be a dog expert, but he has seen death many times. Dexter tried to get up another time or two and could not move. We quickly tried to make a plan. Marcos called the vet to tell them we thought Dexter was dying and would probably need to be put down. He scheduled an appointment for later that afternoon. Within minutes, we decided to take him to the vet sooner. They had an appointment earlier, but we were hoping the kids could say goodbye before we took him in. It looked like that was no longer an option. I took a blanket and laid it on the seat and Marcos carried Dexter to the car. It was hard to watch. I left to take Caleb to the dentist. Marcos called me within 5 minutes telling me Dexter had taken his last breath and died in his arms a few minutes after he checked in at the vet. Marcos was crying. I was sobbing.
I showed up at the dentist attempting to keep my composure and get through the next hour. Joann had stayed. I just thought she would drop them off, but she stayed with my kids. My heart was so full of gratitude when I walked in and saw her sitting there. It's so great to have people. People you know you can count on when you need something. People who care. We are blessed to have a whole bunch of those people in our lives and my heart was full as I saw her sitting patiently with Preston while Marissa and Dylan were in getting their teeth cleaned. I was hoping they would call Caleb next and then I could go last, but they called me back first. Originally I was supposed to be first but that plan changed with the dog situation. Joann told me it was fine and stayed with Caleb in the waiting room while I went back for my cleaning. I felt a twinge of guilt and pain walking away. Holy cow! Guilt? Really? I know I cannot be the only one who experiences this. Do you ever feel guilty or bad needing help? I totally do. Like somehow we think we are supposed to be strong and able and fully capable of doing everything by ourselves...ALL THE FREAKING TIME! It's so messed up. I'm all about hard work and independence and empowering people and all. Trust me. It's been my life mantra. But there is something so tender and real about needing others. At that moment, I couldn't pretend to be independent and headstrong. I needed help. I really did. I was barely able to get myself to the dentist's office and sit through the cleaning without sobbing uncontrollably. I needed help with my kiddos and she was there for me. It was a beautiful thing to experience. Once Caleb was called back for his appointment, I walked out (halfway done) to tell Joann she could leave if she needed to. The kids wanted to leave too so offered to take them home. I later learned that she stopped and got all three of them lunch and then took them back to her house to watch a movie. Seriously? How great is that? That's exactly what they needed! They needed a distraction and I needed help to coordinate a million things and process a boatload of emotions.
Marcos was my hero. He's a tender-hearted dude. For real. It's not easy for him to see the dog suffer and die or to watch his kids and wife brokenhearted over the loss of a family pet. He put on some old shoes and started digging a hole in the backyard. The love and appreciation I felt for my husband at the moment was unreal. He had to leave work to come help his family in our moment of crisis and he didn't skip a beat. He just did it. He came running, carried the dog, watched him take his last breaths, and then came back to bury him in the yard. We had the kids say goodbye and buried him in the ground by the chicken coop. The middle two kids went back to finish the movie at Joann's, and Dylan, Marcos and I hugged and cried and hugged some more. Caleb watched a movie. Desperate times.
At some point, Marcos decided to try to work from home for the rest of the day. He had a lot of office work today and figured he could at least pound that out from home while he stayed around to be part of the somber day we were all experiencing. He sat down at his computer with his notebook and stack of papers when his phone rang. It was his mom. She was calling to tell him his abuela (grandma) in Argentina had passed away that afternoon. Today was her 93rd birthday. I saw the look in his eyes as he spoke to his mom on the phone and knew something was wrong. I walked behind him and wrapped my arms around him and just stood there holding him as he spoke to his mom. When he hung up the phone, he put his hands on his head and leaned his elbows on the table and cried some more. I just held him. I didn't know what else to do. We were both emotionally spent. It felt like a dream. I knew he was determined to work and be the manly breadwinner, but I told him he should probably take it easy the rest of the day. He called his boss and a co-worker and ended up calling it a day as far as work goes.
We told Dylan about bisabuela (great grandma). He started sobbing and could barely control himself. It was definitely a lot for a kid to take in all in one day. I hugged him and held him tight. I've learned not to let go first when I hug my children. I let them lead out on that. If they need to be held longer, I'm there. So I held him. When he relaxed his arms and started to pull away from me, I stepped back a bit. He looked at me with swollen eyes and said, "Mom, I bet bisabuela is holding Dexter right now." I couldn't disagree. I loved abuela! She had a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone. She could make me laugh without blinking an eye. She had a way of firmly yet gently giving advice that helped you move forward and change when times were tough. I loved that about her! She could knit anything and made gifts for each of the grandkids and great grandkids often. Oh how I loved her! We didn't get to see her often, but I treasure the moments I got to spend getting to know and love abuela.
Marcos and I sat on the couch hand in hand. Silent. He looked over at me. "I can't even cry anymore. I have no more tears." I squeezed his hand and whispered, "I know." As tears starting streaming down my face again, I teased, "It's okay. I'll cry for you. Apparently my supply of tears is endless." He smiled. We sat in silence for a thousand more moments together. It was magical. People. Emotions. Life. Connection.
Marcos made calls to his aunts and uncles and some cousins to tell them he was sorry about abuela's passing. I love that quality about him so much. SO MUCH! When something bad happens, he reaches out to those he loves. He reaches out to comfort and connect. I often fear that vulnerability. My emotions are deep. I'm not sure how to explain it except that I FEEL things on a super deep level. It's both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes when I'm faced with a situation like this, the deepness of my emotions takes me low enough that I feel I might drown. So I hide or pretend I'm fine or numb the pain with one of my favorite addictions (like diet Mountain Dew or Dove chocolate - minor perhaps, but addictions nonetheless). Watching him reach out to his family at that moment warmed my heart. There's a reason he's my person. He helps me be brave when I think I will drown.
I sat next to Marcos on the couch listening to him talk to his family. I texted my family to let them know we'd had a rough day and what was going on. I also texted Joann to thank her for everything she had done that day. Joann said it was nothing (of course) and told me the kids had been super cute. She told me after we buried Dexter and they went back to the house that Preston and Marissa had said, "It's okay. Dexter is happy. We buried him with the chickens. He's where he always wanted to be, but never could go." I had to smile. Their statement was as true as it gets. Keeping Dexter away from ducks and chickens has been a huge pain. So we laid him to rest in a place we knew he loved.
Time stood still. Marcos finished talking to his relatives. At some point, he looked at me and said, "I'm glad you're my wife. You mean the world to me! I cannot imagine going through life without you by my side." Weird. That's exactly what I had been thinking. It's funny how devastating moments can bring people closer together. I'm not glad our dog is gone or that Marcos lost his abuela today. But I'm grateful for the reminder our family received of how precious life is and how blessed we are to have one another.
Dylan and Dexter at the pond this summer
A boy and his dog
Burying Dexter
As difficult as this moment was, there is nothing quite as sexy as watching a man do difficult things for his family without thought or complaint
When I looked back on pictures, I got choked up as I realized how many memories Dexter shared with us. Here he is leading toddler Caleb across a bridge on a hike a couple years ago.
Dylan and bisabuela in 2012 when Marcos and Dylan visited Argentina
Marcos and abuela
