My friend, Hannah, was diagnosed with cancer last year. She fought. And won. We all cheered and rejoiced. Recently, she was told the cancer had returned. She was given 3-9 months to live. Her family planned trips and discussed how to spend their last months together. A few days ago she found out her time on earth will be much, much shorter than that.
I have cried and cried and not known what to do. How do you put a friendship into words or actions? How do you say goodbye? What memories can I leave? What kind words can I say? Blank. I don't know. I don't know what to do. How do you celebrate a life that has overlapped and intertwined with yours so frequently for over 17 years?
Hannah is from Scotland. She prides herself on being a non-hugger who likes to keep her composure. My very demonstrative husband, Marcos, loves to tease her with arms open wide, awaiting an embrace every time he sees her. I, myself, am a middle ground kind of girl who loves hugs, cries at everything, wears my heart on my sleeve, but have learned to default to the comfort level of others when it comes to big, bold full-body embracing. I usually left her home (or wherever we found ourselves) with parting words and a head nod. However, it tugs at my heartstrings that I became one of the people from whom she occasionally tolerated a departing embrace. Those who know her best know the truth about her "tough" exterior. Hannah has the softest, most tender and loving heart you can imagine.
Marcos and I moved into our home when I was 8 months pregnant with Dylan, our oldest son. He was born after we had attended church in our new ward only a couple of times. I was a brand new mother in a new ward where I did not know anyone. I met Hannah in the mother's room a few weeks after having Dylan and we chatted while nursing our babies. Dylan was my oldest. Shannon was her youngest. They were only a few weeks apart. We found our lives overlapping often at church with babies and then toddlers keeping us in the hall where we found plenty to discuss and laugh about over the years. Dylan and Shannon had their baby blessings on the same day. Eight years later, they shared a baptism day (with another friend from the ward as well), and we had a big luncheon with three families, extended families and friends to celebrate the occasion.
Over the years, we have had a tradition of going as friends and neighbors to a waterslide in Idaho every year (sometimes twice a year). Our kids have been able to run and play and slide. At one point, they had a pond, and Hannah and I found ourselves close to a heart attack when we found Shannon and Preston on tubes in the pond all by themselves. Neither of them could swim and were oblivious to the danger. Mostly though, we had good memories with less panicking and emergency situations to deal with.
The past few years, as we have had fewer babies and toddlers to keep track of, we grown up women have thrown ourselves into the adventure of sliding instead of sitting on the sidelines simply creating fun for our families. I have the BEST memories of Hannah screaming her head off while a huge train of women and children slid down a long waterslide together. I also have a picture of a terrified Hannah sliding down the waterslide with her daughter, Shannon, on a huge swan water floaty that I will treasure forever. She reacts to life in a big, boisterous, scream-your-way-down-the-waterslide kind of way. It makes her an easy target for taunting and teasing, and is something I will always find endearing about the one and only Hannah Edge.
Hannah was the Camp Director the year I was 2nd Counselor in Young Women's. Sarah Slade, the YW President at the time, came down with mono and couldn't attend. It was one crisis after another. At one point, we considered canceling camp. Our location fell through, sick leaders, and me...I was super pregnant with Marissa and likely would not be able to attend. As luck would have it, I did end up at camp and we had an excellent time with Hannah leading our crazy group of misfits. I was 38 weeks pregnant and so uncomfortable sleeping in a tent. Hannah was the sweetest ever, offering to get up with me and walk with me to the bathroom any time I needed to get up during the night. She did NOT want me to go alone. I'm pretty sure she was ten times more nervous than I was creeping to the bathroom outside in the middle of the night and jumped at every noise or shadow she saw, but I love her for her willingness to be my bathroom buddy anyway.
I will never forget Hannah yelling at me to stop running or telling me not to jump up and down swinging the bat at a pinata during camp activities for fear it would put me in labor. She kept telling me she didn't want to be driving me down the mountain to the hospital in the middle of girls camp. I was the spontaneous, unpredictable pregnant leader and she was the prudent, prepared camp director trying to keep things under control. All the girls and leaders - Hannah included - started calling my unborn baby girl "Baby Echo" because we were camping at Echo Reservoir. Marissa still loves that story and likes knowing one of her nicknames for years was Baby Echo.
Hannah loves children! She has a gift with babies and toddlers and could be found holding and caring for someone's baby every time you looked for her. She was the sweetest with my boys, Dylan and Preston, but had a fondness for Marissa that makes me smile. She would take baby Marissa with her to Relief Society all swaddled and cozy in a blanket while I went to Young Women's. Half the women in the ward had no idea whose baby she had. She just always has a baby in her arms and is willing to hold, feed, tend and cuddle them all! My kids remember being tended by Hannah (or Edge - as Marissa started to call her when she couldn't quite figure out that we were saying Sister Edge). There were always grapes, otter pops and goldfish crackers for kids of all ages, and she had millions of movies my kids could not wait to watch or borrow from Hannah.
I cannot remember an event without Hannah. All my babies, church events, summer goings on, homeschooling classes, classes for adults, book club, birthday parties and other celebrations...Hannah has been a part of my life for years. She drove around in her green minivan for so many years that it became her trademark. I had a more subtle tan/light green van that soon became just as recognizable as Hannah's in the neighborhood. It's funny how a car can be a memory, but we both drove miles and miles in our minivans with kids and young women and scouts. And everyone knew when we were coming.
Hannah and Jared are the type of people who will drop anything and be there when you need them. It was rare for us to be able to return the service (with our lack of skill), but the sentiment was certainly reciprocal. Jared was always fixing a car, checking something in our home or roof or answering a question on the phone. Hannah was helping with kids or making a meal or just stopping by to see what I needed.
Hannah is not a huge fan of the outdoors. Yes! She was camp director. She had Jared help certify the girls before camp. We did what we could to downplay the outdoorsy activities. And...she was simply a good sport. She prefers indoor activities for sure. She had to stay out of the sun because she was allergic to sunscreen and had fair skin and reddish brown hair. I will always remember her favorite spots in the shade, umbrellas, shade hats and sundresses worn for protection outdoors.
Jared, on the other hand, loves the outdoors. He likes a physical challenge and finds himself hiking and biking and camping. Marcos had a couple occasions to camp with Jared and the stories they tell still make me laugh. On one such occasion, they were supposed to meet up with a group of scouts for an overnight hike to Black Lake. Jared and Marcos went up and didn't find the group so they decided to start their hike to Black Lake with just the two of them. It turns out the rest of the group decided 20 miles with backpacks and gear was too much for the scouts so they took another trail and ended up somewhere completely different. There was no cell phone service so Marcos and Jared unknowingly ended up with their own little overnight trip. Jared set a crazy pace, practically sprinting up a rocky mountain with full gear for 20 miles. And Marcos held his own and kept up with him, surprising them both with his stamina. When they arrived all sweaty and tired, they jumped in the lake to wash off and cool themselves down. Hannah and I nearly fainted when we heard they had both stripped down to nothing and washed themselves in the lake and then sunbathed to dry off before dressing again. Jared and Marcos then teased us unceasingly about skinny dipping together at Black Lake. They ate sardines, cheese and crackers with a jalapeno on top for dinner and slept under the stars. We still chuckle when we think just how close our husbands got on that unexpected trip alone up the mountain.
Trips to Bear Lake. Two different cabins, multiple trips. One trip found Hannah in the splits. For real. She full on did the splits. I could not believe it! Girl time brings out the crazy in us all. Bras and boobs and giggling and girl talk. Grown women creating memories reminiscent of teenage slumber parties.
A million memories. Really. A million. Maybe more. It feels like a lifetime. And yet at times the memories with young children feels like just yesterday. John acting as a big brother to Dylan and Preston. Becca drawing butterflies on Marissa's face and doing her hair in girlie updos. Shannon and Dylan kickin' it like good friends should. It's all a part of me. Integrated. Not separate. Just part of me. My brain. My heart. My soul.
Thank you, Hannah, for being my friend. Thank you for trusting me to take care of your kids (a rare thing for you) and for being a second mother to mine. Thank you for laughing and crying and being a part of my life. Thank you for serving others with all your heart. Thank you for being the baby whisperer, and taking care of a whole village worth of children in your home. I love you more than you could ever possibly know!
