I am having one of those weeks or months or whatever. I know I just barely wrote a post griping about my life, but it's just how I'm feeling lately. Okay, here's the deal. I feel like whenever something major happens (i.e. Marcos getting called to the High Council) life seems to fall apart. I was reading in Mosiah last night and came across this. Mosiah 23:21-22.
21 Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to achasten his people; yea, he trieth their bpatience and their faith.
22 Nevertheless—whosoever putteth his atrust in him the same shall be blifted up at the last day. Yea, and thus it was with this people.
I'm not exactly convinced that I'm being chastened, although my attitude on life could definitely use an adjustment lately. But I totally feel like I'm having a trial of my patience and my faith. Did I mention the YW are doing a 90 day Book of Mormon read? And we've all been challenged to choose a word or phrase or something to focus on while we study. Mine is trust - as in trusting in the Lord and not in the "arm of the flesh". So here it is again. I'm trying to put it into practice, but it's easier said than done.
We're the type to use a credit card for convenience, but not for actual charging purposes. But...last month/this month I had to use the credit card for all our unexpected expenses and guess what. Even with all the money I can round up with all my little shifting of bills, I am still going to be WAY behind. Like in a couple thousand dollars behind. Where in the crap am I supposed to find that kind of money? AND...this morning I went to the garage to run an errand and it smelled like smoke. I tried to open the garage door and it wouldn't budge. Well, the door had fallen off the track and the stupid cable was touching the sheet rock above it and burned a freaking hole right through the sheet rock and into the metal. We put it back on the track and it fell off again. Marcos tightened the chain and it worked...and then didn't. So we've got a guy coming with a minimum service call fee plus whatever is wrong with it. WILL IT EVER STOP! SERIOUSLY! I cannot handle one more thing breaking down. I do not do well with debt and will not be able to sleep until I figure out how to pay for this crap. Am I supposed to go out and get a job again? Is that really the answer? Why can't social workers make more money? Am I really supposed to just get on all sorts of government aid so I can raise my freaking family? I am SO opposed to a handout like that, especially when we are capable of working and earning money. But I don't feel like working and paying someone to watch my kids is the greatest option either.
I feel like a horrible mother lately and wonder if anything I'm doing even really matters anyway. Preston's favorite phrases are "knock it off", "stop it", "basta" (which means enough in Spanish) and "do not". It makes me wonder how often I tell the kid no. But what's a mom supposed to do? I walked downstairs yesterday to put a load of laundry in. No internet, no playing around, just 2 minutes to start a batch of laundry. I came back upstairs to a wall full of artwork by Preston. I told Marcos a couple days ago I was going to get a job and he could stay home with the kids. I know, stupid, but that's how I feel. Maybe he could be patient with the little stinks and I could find a way to actually get promotions, which isn't really possible at his job. AHHHH!!!
Preston's art
I'm just one big contradiction after the other. And I'm totally indecisive. On the one hand, I am secretly relieved to have a moment of quiet while Dylan is away at school (although quiet usually means disasters by Preston) and yet at the same time I worry about what he's going to be exposed to and have even considered whether or not home schooling is a better option for him. I think about having another child and then I decide that pregnancy is not worth it, that we can't afford another child and that I can't even handle the kids I've got. I tell myself I should work and Marcos should stay home and then I wonder if I could actually handle missing so much of their lives. And I wonder if a dad at home is the same thing as a mom. I find myself thinking that if I can just do my calling well (and allow Marcos to do his) that everything will be okay and then I turn around and find myself saying it's just not worth it. All this time and effort and service to everyone and everything and we can't even pay our freaking bills. I so don't get it! I was really good in school and could've been anything I wanted to be. I put off my own school (I went back but didn't do med school like I had planned) because Marcos was so far behind and needed to be able to get through his Master's degree so he could support a family. It just wasn't practical to have me do EVERYTHING and not get him through since he needed to be the provider while we have a young family. I knew it would be hard and it was one of the biggest fears about marrying Marcos that I had. But Marcos and I were meant to be together - and he was BORN to be a social worker. He really was. So I had faith and worked hard and tried to time everything so we wouldn't struggle so much. But we struggle anyway. It's just so frustrating! So yeah, pretty much nothin' but negativity here. I AM SO DONE RIGHT NOW!
4 comments:
I know that you hear it all the time from people - "it will get better and be OK", but sometimes it seems like hollow promises (my sister is going through a real bout right now with her health and it is really trying our faith), so I know where you are coming from, the only suggestion I have is to keep truckin', I don't know if it will get better, but hopefully it will get easier. We went through a horrible stage of wall drawings from Ethan and it stopped but at the time you want to wring some necks! And the same thing happened to our garage, but the door almost fell on top of the car and I was the only one here and 5 months pregnant with the twinners! "When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!" :o)
Oh, Maria. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. It's probably not at all comforting, but I think you are an AMAZING mother. Money is such a hard challenge. For me the unexpected money issues are the worst. I would rather have someone say to me, "This year you are going to have to pay $10,000 for things here and there." than to have things pop up unexpectedly. Hang in there. It was talking to you on the phone for a few minutes yesterday. I'm glad you called. Did you have fun at Wheeler Farm? We should do something fun together sometime.
-Laura
We'll get through it somehow. We always do. It's just crazy how things have to get so hard before they ever get better. Trying times indeed. Yep, we had fun at Wheeler Farm. I'll post a couple pictures one of these moments. It was good to talk to you too, Laura. We should do something together soon. Even just a little get together at the park and invite some of the old Layton 17th peeps. I miss all the girlies we used to hang with. :)
Moments like that are so flippin' hard, especially when the moments last for months and even YEARS! I can totally relate on a lot of fronts...Bryan has 3 degrees why? :) But I also know that Heavenly Father is aware, He loves us and He cares, and ultimately, all this garbage is for our own good. Hang in there.
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