Feel Free To Skip This Stupid Whiny Poor Me Post...

I apologize in advance for my complete negativity today. And I'm sorry to post it out there for all to read, but I want to remember (and my kids to know) that everything in life isn't fun and joy and loving and playing with your kids. Some things are difficult inner battles that we all must face - like it or not.

I think I've got my needs and wants mixed up. Okay, not really, but my "want" list somehow keeps growing. I don't know if I'm struggling with the whole "Thou shalt not covet" commandment or what, but sometimes it's hard to watch everybody around you get new nice things all the time and just wonder when you will be in a position to do so. I guess depending on your point of view, people could say that about us. Have you ever gone to dinner with someone and had them pick up the tab for you? Even when you were expecting to pay for yourself. As generous and helpful as that is, I guess it hurts my pride a bit. I always pictured being the one able to offer to pick up the tab for the entire table and I hate that we aren't that family. It's probably for a reason. I'm sure the Lord knows me better than I think I know myself and maybe money really would go to my head, but I like to think that I would be such a giving, generous responsible person with my money that no one would begrudge me for even having it.

Even as I write this, I seriously am considering not publishing it. I sound like the biggest ungrateful, whiny person ever. But it's true. It bugs me. I hate living paycheck to paycheck. I hate that things never seem to add up no matter how careful I try to be. I hate watching how hard my husband works and knowing how valuable he is to his company (and boss and coworkers) and yet realizing that he has chosen a field that will always undervalue and underpay him for what I consider to be not only a good work ethic, but his God-given talent. I hate the internal battle that I have with myself every day trying to decide when and how to go back to work so that we won't always feel so strapped. It makes me crazy! We are still trying to catch up from all the unexpected "August disasters" that we were "blessed" with. AND...we have a swamp cooler that is literally falling apart. Two of the four legs are completely rusted through and every year Marcos has to baby that thing to get it going again. Our hope was that we could put in either a new swamp cooler or central air this year (my secret desire, but I was trying to be okay with whatever we could afford). Truly we can't afford either, but we're hoping the tax return is decent enough to give us some leeway.

Marcos' family is going to California for spring break. We are fortunate enough to have a house to stay in (courtesy of some friends of Marcos' mom) and are trying to get a good deal on a couple tickets. Plus, we're all eating together and splitting the cost of meals, so all in all, it is going to be a really great trip that is quite affordable. But being affordable and even being in our budget at all are two different things. We didn't feel like we could pass up an opportunity to take a trip together when so much of the vacation is going to be taken care of for us, but still. It's not like we've got that money sitting in the bank. Like I said, we're still trying to catch up from expenses that caught us off guard 6 months ago. So between the payments we HAVE to take care of and the upcoming trip, I'm pretty sure there will be no tax return left. Hmm...anybody have any great hookups on air conditioners?

Maybe I'll play the pregnancy card now. I'm sure I'm feeling much more negative because my stupid hormones are making me even more emotional than normal (heaven help us all!) And even though my nausea is getting a bit better, I have these crazy hormonal headaches that never end. I go to bed with one and wake up and it's still there. GRR... Or maybe it's a combination of everything. Money seriously stresses me out. I like to know there's plenty in the bank. I'm a saver and a frugal conservative type by nature so just getting by is definitely not my style.

Maybe I'm just overwhelmed in general. This Young Women's calling has been a blessing to me. It really has. I have gotten to know some amazing women working in the YW organization and am really enjoying my time getting to know the girls better. BUT...YW is a dang busy, kind of hard calling to have. Instead of being able to just love and teach the girls, there is always a "to do" list that never seems to get smaller. That's how a lot of callings are I suppose. Marcos feels the same way about his. He had to finish scheduling all the stake baptisms for the month and send out an email to all the bishops and Primary presidents last night and was asking me to help him. SERIOUSLY! No, I have my own calling that I need to do. Yeah, I was not a happy, nice wife last night once the headache set in. Marcos said I was completely pale when I walked down to the computer to help him. Um, yeah, because I feel like I'm going to die right now! Back to my calling... I have to teach the combined lesson this month (which wasn't on my radar but another member of the presidency had to trade me - normally no big deal and totally fine, but my December and January was very busy and I was just looking forward to being able to breathe for a minute). Oh well, probably better to have less time to stress out about it. Something about teaching a big group like that stresses me out more than it should.

Well, enough. That's my whining for the morning. I guess I'll go play with Preston for awhile and try to remember why it's all worth it. I need to remind myself why it matters - why I stay home and sacrifice things so my kids will hopefully learn and grow and develop the way we hope they do and not the way some daycare administration hopes they will. I know it's worth it. I really do. But some days I just want to scream!