Discouraged

I got up this morning and got going. I was excited for stake conference. I knew it would be a bit of a challenge - 2 hours of sacrament meeting instead of 1 is always difficult (especially for little kids), but I figured it would be fine. Marcos was in meetings all morning. I got the boys ready and me all but ready when Marcos walked in the door. He helped with the final stuff to get the boys ready (shoes and socks, etc) while I got dressed. Also, Marcos hadn't had breakfast yet so he had to do that. Well, that's pretty much what made us late. I had no idea he was supposed to usher in our building. A little heads up once in awhile would be nice. How can I support you in your calling when I have no idea what you are supposed to be doing? If you're running late and haven't eaten breakfast, then you don't get to eat breakfast. You go start ushering dude. We weren't late, but we got to the church at 10 minutes to 10, which isn't exactly early when you're supposed to be in charge of something. AND with multiple wards sharing the building, the benches were already gone. Curses! I should've sent him WAY early to get us a bench and do his thing. Whatever!

I got settled into the hard chairs (honestly, I'm getting to where I almost can't sit on those things for two hours - they are so uncomfortable when you're pregnant) and it all started. I don't know if it's my imagination or having all the other wards there that don't know and love you, but I felt so judged from the very beginning. Some lady in front of me was all by herself with 3 little girls and every single one was sitting nicely with her arms folded. I don't get it. Am I too lenient with my kids? Am I not consistent? What is it? Dylan is pretty good, but even Preston's "good" behavior is in a way too loud voice. By 10 after I took him in the hall and by 20 after I was done. I told Dylan to bring the bag out to the hall. Of course a nice lady in the ward followed me out into the hall and I started bawling. I just cannot do this today. I feel like the lamest mom ever. I see moms who juggle their 4 or 6 kids by themselves with no problems. Why can't I do two? Seriously! She offered to let Dylan stay and sit with her and he thought that sounded better than going home. So I took Preston home and put him in his room to think about being reverent. The problem is, I doubt that's what he's doing. He's probably up there jumping on his bed without a care in the world.

Well, hopefully I get points for trying because there was not even close to a spiritual moment that took place today. I think I'll go turn on one of my taped general conference sessions. At least I'll be getting some church moments in today.