20 Years of Marriage

Twenty years ago today I married the man of my dreams...

I've been thinking about this day for a long time.  I wanted to write something about marriage.  I wanted to write something about our relationship.  But neither of those things have been on my mind.  Not really.

Writing is a type of therapy for me.  It's important for me to be real, to share things from the heart in an open and honest way.  Not fake.  Not showy.  Just me.  So...if I'm being honest, marriage hasn't been on my mind at all.  Our anniversary has.

Several months ago, Marcos and I were discussing this upcoming milestone in our relationship.  Twenty years is kind of a big deal.   I SUBTLY (or not so subtly) reminded him of our discussions long long ago that we would celebrate big milestones like our 10th and 20th anniversaries with grand gesture.  🎉

The 10 year anniversary was less than impressive in its celebratory glory.  I get it.  We had little kids and the reality of planning something big was overwhelming.  So...we went to dinner.  And then went for a stroll in a beautiful nature park together.  Then real life happened.  I ended up getting super sick.  I'll spare you the details.  It was NOT a pleasant evening.  Not even sort of romantic.  Or maybe it was.  But not in the candlelight dinner, "I think we're alone now" kind of way.  Marcos loved me and cared for me and laughed with me when our evening took a turn for the worst.  I likely did not appreciate that special moment at the time, but behind our less-than-ideal anniversary date was a deep emotional connection in our relationship and an ability to endure stressful life situations with humor and love.

Our conversation continued.

Me: "I know we weren't able to do anything big for our 10th anniversary and I actually LOVE the memory I have with you from that day, but I really want to do something special to celebrate our 20th anniversary this year."  

Marcos: "Me too.  What did you have in mind?"

Me: "A trip.  Somewhere tropical.  Hawaii, Bahamas, Costa Rica, Tahiti, Belize...somewhere like that.  Wouldn't that be fun?  Beach.  Adventure.  Romance.  Don't you think?"

Marcos: "No.  We can't.  We cannot afford a trip like that right now."

My heart sunk.  A combination of sadness and anger.  And a knot.  A knot in my stomach.

At that moment, the social media world backfired on all my good intentions.  I rarely find myself feeling bad about my life after being on social media.  I know that's a real thing for many people.  I've found a good balance that usually works for me.  I check in here and there, post occasionally and feel connected for the most part.  But in a situation like this, all those happy beach pictures swirled through my head, and I found myself in a loop of comparison and jealousy.  I found myself thinking I DESERVED something more.

Let's just say that this conversation between Marcos and me has been occurring and reoccurring over the past several months with little to no progress.  Argh!!!  Okay people.  This is REALITY!  This is what marriage really looks like sometimes.  I'm pretty sure most marriages have a conversation (or two) like this.  It might be how clean the house is, whether or not to remodel (or what color to paint the walls), it might be distribution of household responsibilities, how each individual spends their time (office, play time, home/family, cell phone/online) but I'm pretty sure every marriage has these annoying little things that come up now and again.  Sometimes you have A LOT  of frustrating conversations.  Sometimes fewer.  But if you're in a real relationship where one or both people haven't completely checked out emotionally, you're likely going to run into these little glitches.

I've been slightly bitter about Marcos's declaration of impossibility when I opened up to share my dream of tropical celebration with him.  "Nope!  We cannot go on a trip for our 20th anniversary."  And that was that.  Could we at least have a discussion about when we could make this a reality?  Like for real?  But I was frustrated.  So I slipped into some not-so-awesome strategies for dealing with conflict.  Avoid.  Discuss.  Cry.  Yell.  Discuss.  Caveman (aka growl/grunt in frustration as the conversation continues to go in circles).

Marcos: "Babe, I know you want to go on a trip.  We probably can one day.  But we can't this year.  We took the kids to Disneyland.  We could have planned a trip for us instead, but we didn't."  

I knew he was right.  And I knew I would make the same choice again.  Our kids had been waiting and planning and saving and earning to go to Disneyland this year.  And we made it a priority to take them.  They were at great ages for us to prioritize a trip to Disneyland and I do not regret it ONE BIT.  But to be fair, I never knew I was choosing a Disneyland trip over celebrating our anniversary.  I want both.  Yep.  That's how this whole thing went.  I sounded like a spoiled toddler.  Maybe I still do.

I wanted to throw a stick at him or stomp on his toes.  I'd slipped to the maturity level of a toddler.  At the very least I wanted to yell at him.  "You're a mean old dummy!  Why can't we go?  But my mommy said we could."  Yeah...super mature.  I kept the immaturity to myself for the most part, but if I'm being real here, I was pretty much a 2-3 year old on the inside.

{Pause}

I had a boss back in my working days who made a statement that had a profound impact on the way I see the world.

"Maria, do you know what I spend most of my time doing?"

Eager to impress, I attempted to answer with something besides, "Um, no."  I don't actually remember what I said, but it doesn't really matter what I said.  His response hit me like a ton of bricks!

"Most of my time is spent managing expectations."

Jaw drop.  We had a  more detailed conversation, but I pondered the depth and truth of those few words and have reflected on them often over the years.

Most of my time is spent managing expectations.  

Expectations from different situations: church callings, family gatherings, work, parenting, marriage, home remodeling projects, budgeting, etc.

Expectations from different people: spouse, children, boss, church leaders, extended family, friends, neighbors, strangers...

...and MY OWN EXPECTATIONS.

Here I was many years later trying to put on my grown up pants and manage my own expectations.

Expectations about what an anniversary SHOULD look like and expectations of how we NEED to celebrate.

Ugh!  😡  I hate it when Marcos is right.  And mature.

I spent some time gearing up for what I assumed would be a moment of disappointment.

And it is.  Sort of.

But I've also spent a couple days focused on the reality of what I do have instead of what I do not.

REALITY:

-Marcos and I have managed to make it through 20 years of marriage together.  There were times I didn't know if making it through another year was possible, but with blood, sweat, tears (and a whole lot of laughter), we have worked through the ups and downs of real life thus far and lived to tell the tale.

-We still enjoy each other's company.  {Pause for another story}

A few months ago, Marcos and I were talking and trying to come up with some ideas for fun affordable dates.  Marcos said his favorite date was going out to dinner.  After taunting him for awhile about being boring and predictable, I let him finish his thought.

"I love going out to dinner with you.  It's quiet without the kids.  I get to look you in the eyes and talk to you without interruptions.  I could sit there forever and completely lose track of time.  I know this sounds strange, but I can't believe that after so many years together, I still find you so interesting.  You're my favorite person to talk to.  You're always reading and learning and having experiences that you share with me and I love that.  I find you incredibly fascinating!  When we go out to dinner, it gives me a chance to see that side of you.  I can look in your eyes and get lost in conversation with you.  I never thought we would still have so much to talk about after 20 years, but we never seem to finish discussing.  I love that we are part of an eternal conversation that just pauses and then continues when we are alone again."  

😳  Um...what the heck?  😳

😍 Yeah, pretty much the best compliment EVER!  😍

-We're geekishly romantic.  To this day, Marcos makes my heart race.  Twitterpated (remember Bambie?)  I still feel that.  So does he.  I call him my boyfriend.  He loves it! (I think).  It reminds us that we are more than our family and children and home and bills and a million bajillion responsibilities.  It reminds us that long before this crazy life we created together, it was just the two of us.

-He does things he doesn't like because they matter to me.  He takes pictures of me and the kids (even though he hates taking pictures and I tease him incessantly about his lack of photography skills).  He gets dressed up in somewhat matchy clothes and tromps off to a random beautiful location in nature every once in awhile for a formal family photo (probably the most despised event on the planet for most men).  Simply because it matters to me.

-It goes both ways ya know.  My deeper love involves listening a plethora of stats and details about sports teams and players I've never heard of with as much enthusiasm and interest as I can muster.  He knows I don't love it.  He's learned to have sports conversations with Esteban (his brother) or Dylan or a close friend if he wants more than a twinkling eye and smiling face in response.  But I sit through painful sports conversations (and occasionally attend sporting events) because I love Marcos and HE loves sports.  ⚽🎾🏉🏀

-We make an incredible team.  Our skills are different enough that they play to one another's strengths.  Whether teaching a class, working on a project or just making it through the bedtime routine with the younguns, we are definitely better together. 💪

I'm sure I could go on and list a trillion other awesome reasons I am excited about today, but I will stop before this post becomes a novel. 😱

In dealing with our current glitch in "marital bliss" we put off figuring out what we could realistically expect to do to celebrate our 20th anniversary until YESTERDAY.  That's right.  I'm embarrassed to admit it, but every time we tried to discuss it, we got nowhere.  So...while we drove up to Raft River yesterday, we decided to make a plan.  We managed to make a reservation at The Anniversary Inn next week and will celebrate our anniversary a little late when we have family available to help with the kiddos over night.  As for today, we're going hiking together and then making a delicious home cooked meal while the kids eat pizza and watch a movie.  Why?  Because I love hiking and Marcos is thoughtful enough to suggest an activity I will love.  Because we are learning to be healthy together (and cooking together is actually be super fun and romantic).  And because it took us until yesterday for me to manage my own expectations about this major milestone in our lives.

From here to Argentina and back...

...till I die and forever more!

Happy 20th anniversary, Babe!! 😘