Peace

I couldn't figure out what to call this post. I hate whining and complaining all the time, although I never tire of reading other people's "hard day" posts. I guess it makes me feel more normal. But, although not an optimist by nature, I try hard to make lemonade out of my lemons, especially now that I'm a little more mature. But sometimes things can hit like a ton of bricks. And let's be honest...that is never a good thing when you're pregnant and hormonal.

Wednesday I had a really chaotic day. It was basically one of those days where so much was scheduled that I literally did not have time to do one extra thing. I even had to have Marcos pick Dylan and Kambrie up from school because one of my "meetings" could not be rescheduled. I won't go into detail here but let me just say it was a humbling day full of eye opening experiences. Not fun, but probably necessary. And then of course after the crazy day, it was still Wednesday so I had to squeeze in YW that night. Actually the YM had a really fun combined activity of human foosball. Although I took a crazy hard hit a few times, including one right in the eyeball, I survived the night and even enjoyed the experience. But at the time, it really was all I could do to get my butt there and not be teary-eyed the whole time. It was what I thought was a pretty hard, kind of bad day. You know the kind, phone call to my sisters complaining about my hard life. Nothing big, just a bad day.

That was until Thursday hit. Then I realized how truly grateful I was for Wednesday and wished I had taken advantage of it. It was another way too scheduled day. Not on purpose, just stuff I'd scheduled way forever ago, forgotten about and scheduled something else on top of it. I ended up having two meetings and some assessments/tests for Preston that didn't go quite the way I'd hoped. It's pointless to talk about right now because more than anything the whole day just brought up more questions than answers. I don't know if you've followed our little saga with Preston, but the kid has had a million things we've had to check up on - ever since he was born. We've been to quite a few specialists, but thankfully everything has been pretty mild and manageable. But still, just a pain. It's really an emotional process to hear that you need to take your kid to a specialist for this, that or the other. Maybe I just handle things with my kids poorly and get WAY too emotional. It's very possible that again that's what we are facing. I guess the problem is knowing something is probably wrong (although I'm still hopeful) but not really knowing what. And knowing that the range of possibilities is so wide and varied that it could be quite manageable or it could be more on the scary side. Again, I won't go into detail because right now everything is speculation and truly is UNKNOWN but it was a super hard day. I dare say one of the hardest days I've had in close to three years. I literally cried for 7 hours at the thought of what we MIGHT be dealing with. Holy crap! I promise I will talk about it more when we know more, but I am having a difficult enough time wrapping my brain around all the of possibilities that were given to me.

I ended up talking to a couple friends and a few family members about my day. More than anything, I just had to talk about it. Yet I couldn't really deal with it so talking just made me cry more. It was HORRIBLE! One of the people I talked to was Lisa, my best friend since clear back in high school. She has been through some trials with infertility and is facing her own set of unknowns. It's not my story to share, but it's on her blog here if you want to read more. Anyway, she was telling me about how she was able to go to the temple twice this month while they were in LA and how much it helped her. Her husband was on call the next day so she suggested we try to meet halfway (she lives in Spanish Fork) and go to a temple session together. Marcos agreed to watch Preston and Anthony's dad was taking Dylan for the night so it was set.

We ended up meeting at the Draper temple and hitting the 7:00 session. I tried not to think too much about the trial before me and just concentrate on the temple itself. It was honestly so great! I guess it helps when you go to the temple with an actual purpose. It wasn't one of those "this is what you should do" or some other direct inspiration that I received, but it was complete peace. The "now I'm crying because I feel so at peace not because I'm scared" type of feeling. Obviously I've had the gift of the Holy Ghost for quite some time now (8 years old was a long time ago), but it never ceases to amaze me how powerful that gift really is. I mean, to go from a state of complete stress to overwhelming peace during the relatively short amount of time in the temple is nothing short of miraculous. Am I still really nervous? Yes. Do I worry and think about it way more than I should? Probably. But it doesn't change the fact that I know the Lord knows who I am and how I feel. And for whatever reason, this is something we are going to have to pass through. Whether it's super serious, mildly serious, or (fingers crossed) not as bad as we think.

It was a great "girls' night out" if you call it that. We had our temple experience and then went to grab some yummy soup and paninis at Zupa's. They closed and we ended up chatting in the car until 1:00 a.m. Whoops! We had a lot to catch up on though. ;) Anyway, for what it's worth, I am eternally grateful for great friends and family who are understanding and know what I need and for the peace that being close to our Heavenly Father brings. If only I could ALWAYS remember that...