Have You Ever Been The One...

people feel sorry for?  Hmm...okay, probably everyone has, but not in the way I mean.  I honestly can't believe I'm writing this, but I feel like a bit of a fraud posting all my pictures of the past few weeks and not really talking.  The reason I was not talking is I didn't know what to say.  It's been a freaking hard month or two and I can't tell you exactly why - it just has.  I'm trying to refocus with personal and spiritual goals, but it's still all I can do to not lose it.  Part of it is frustration with my kids - behavior, worries about this development or that, stupid perfectionist attitude that makes me feel like an incompetent mother - and the other part is just me.  I'm so flippin' hard on myself when I don't do everything perfectly, which is obviously always.  Hello, we're not going to be perfect in this life, we're just supposed to strive to be. Anyway, Sunday was the moment.  New primary teachers, room full of nervous and excited kids sitting with their new classes, new song to learn with a great singing time all planned out (along with much of the year thought out and laid out on paper).  Okay, I think you get the picture. But for some reason Dylan did not want to sit with his class.  I think he was nervous about being in the "5-year-old" class because he's not 5 year, nervous about a new teacher, not to mention a whole new section to sit in.  Or maybe it's a control thing or maybe he just wants to torture his mother.  Who knows?  If you do, please advise so I can help him get through primary a little bit better.  So I should've understood and just let his behavior go.  I sat with him during sharing time and then went to do singing time and I've got my little shadow not only following me around, but clinging to my leg, saying he hates church, and who knows what else.  A few times when that's happened, I've given the cue to the primary president to take him to Marcos, but Marcos was teaching his first Gospel Doctrine lesson (his new calling).  Holy crap!  What's a mom to do?  His new teacher finally got up to take him out and I completely lost it.  It's like all the thoughts of my kid being the naughty kid and not being able to deal with primary while I'm trying to teach all these little spirits the songs - their gospel doctrine - just got to me.  I'm such a lame-o cry baby that I'm sure they had no idea why I was crying, but it was BAD.  I could not pull myself together.  I saw one of the counselors slowing making her way towards me as I was trying to choke back tears and pull myself together, but it took forever.  Everything was in slow motion.  The room was completely silent while everyone waited to see what would happen. Singing time was a blur.  Try teaching the kids "The Family  is of God" after that.  I got through it and then went into the hall to try to compose myself before the senior primary came into the room.  As I turn the corner, there is the primary president out giving a pep talk to the new teacher.  It's like we need 5 people to deal with our family.  Talk about feeling like a misfit!  So I went in the bathroom and my emotional moment turned into a sob-fest, until the primary president came in to give me a pep talk.  Poor lady is dealing with her own personal problems right now and is a saint to begin with and here she is trying to hold the entire primary together herself.  Oh man!  While I'm talking to her about how I don't know what else to do with him, like 3 ladies (that I don't know) come in and out of the restroom offering hugs and advice and telling me to get help early because their son just committed suicide.  What?  Not helpful lady. That is not what I needed to hear when I'm worried about my kid's behavior.  He's 4.  I was so done.  We walked to the primary room and by the time we finished talking, one of the counselors had given her sharing time for her so she went in to do my singing time since I was obviously not going to be capable of doing that.  Marcos came to tell me about  his lesson and instead got to try to talk me down off my wall.  Everyone saw me in the hall either during this or after church and everyone wondered.  I had one lady hug me and tell me she didn't know me very well, but she'd like to and to call her.  I don't know who she is, but cool.  I'm not trying to be rude, really.  I would do the same thing if some pitiful soul was sobbing in the hall of the church.  But it SUCKS to be the one that people feel sorry for.  I didn't think about it, but I went to enrichment tonight (although I was late because Marcos worked until 7:30) and it hit me that over half the ladies in that room witnessed (to one degree or another) my little meltdown. I hate feeling like the crazy girl that needs help all the time, but I guess we all are that way at one point or another.  I just hate to admit it.  Sorry about the rambling, but it's been in my head.  It's a new year and I'm renewing my goals and trying harder with the things that are my problem and hopefully that will help me cope with the things that are beyond my control.  Our Relief Society is doing something called "Feeling Divine in 2009" and it's all about helping us be better and keep our goals.  You get points for doing visiting teaching, reading scriptures, praying, reading the ensign...even exercising.  I'm hoping that'll help give me a little extra boost and motivation too.  There's maybe just a lot of people struggling and dragging for some reason or another and hopefully this'll help buoy us all up as ward sisters.  Anyway, I just had to share my pathetic embarrassing moment with the world.  In case anyone didn't know already, now you do!